A letter to you.

Dear Anonymous,


I'm writing this because I feel that there are some things that I need to get off of my chest and I don't know how else to do besides write them down.  I need to tell you how I feel and I know that you're probably thinking "Oh, here we go again!" but the thing is you told me that I could come to you about this kind of stuff without any hesitation so here I go.


I love you as a person, as a best friend, and as someone I can bullshit around with.  But I'm tired.  I'm tired of fighting.  I want to feel needed and I want to feel cared for and I don't feel that way around you.  I feel as thought I'm just another one of the guys and maybe that's my fault.  Maybe I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me but guess what I'm a girl and my emotions tend to do that. I want to know that our friendship isn't just another one of your acts.  I feel like you lie to me all of the time and that's not how friends are to each other.  Maybe that's how your friends have been to you but I have never given you a reason to lie to me and I don't lie to you.  Do I feel like you lie to me 95 percent of the time? Yes.  Do I lie to myself and tell myself that you're telling the truth? Yes.  Why? Because I have to.  I have to in order to keep moving on.  You're not the only one that can put on a front.  I've been doing it for most of my life and quite honestly I don't know the difference anymore.


Where am I going with this?  This is where.  I'm not giving up but I'm backing down.  If you want to talk to me about something then tell me.  I'm not going to dig it out of you.  I will always be here and I still want to be your friend.  I am so glad that you are in my life.  You have given me some really great advice and I don't want that to end anytime soon. I hope that you don't misinterpret this as me saying I don't want you around anymore because that's not it.  I'm just saying unless I see something different I'm going to less available I guess.  I don't know.  I'm just trying to protect myself here and look out for Lacy for once.  Selfish?  Yes.  But I think it's about time I am a little.   I always care about what other people feel and what other people think and I am always putting myself on the back burner and for once I want someone to put me first.


I hope you can understand all of this and know that I am always going to be here for you.


Loves,


Me

Another sleepless night...

Recently I have found out that I sleep better when I'm laying next to someone.  I find this very odd because all of my life I have slept by myself, I have never had anyone to lay beside me because I was always the good girl that never went against her parents (in my case grandparents) and they never allowed me to have my boyfriend stay the night fearing that we would do the "naughty".  Now I lay by myself and I cannot sleep until about four or five in the morning and this is very frustrating for me because I don't know why this is happening.  And then when I do fall asleep it is a very restless sleep and I still wake up exhausted in the morning.  


I'm going to blame this on Kassi.  When I was living with her, we would sleep in the same bed or I would sleep on the couch and Toppy would come lay with me.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night.  Now that I'm not living with her, I sleep by myself and there isn't a Toppy around to cuddle with at night.  I do have my mini Pillowpet but he is tiny and isn't warm.  I want the comfort of a human being or a pet that will be loyal no matter what.   I miss living with Kassi a lot.  We went through a lot together and still are going through a lot together and I am so glad that we were able to become the best friends that we have become.  She is quite possibly the only reason that I have made it through this past year.  She's told me when I'm being way too crazy and has been there to hold me when I feel like I have nobody.  I am so grateful for the friendship she has given me and I know that this friendship is going anywhere.  It's one that we are going to have for life.  


Wow! This post is going somewhere where I didn't mean for it.  Oh well, some things just need to be written.  


I need to figure out how to catch some Zzz's and the first step is turning off my computer and attempting to sleep but with a brown kid snoring that could be difficult... I'll let you know how it goes. 


With love,
Lacy

Just a poem

If I had an inch I'd give you a mile
If you were a frown I'd give you a thousand smiles
I'd give you the world if you asked
But all I want you to have is my heart

I'll write you a song if that's what you want
Then tear it all up if you don't
I'll show you my mind and give you my heart
Just promise you won't rip it apart

I want to know how you are
I want to know your heart and soul
Your voice is a work of art
I wish you could be mine to hold

I never could move on from your eyes
They'd haunt me wherever I go
Quitting isn't always so bad
When giving up on the impossible

Honestly I'd be crazy not to love you
Although the effect seems the same either way
I have dreams of spending forever with you
I wonder if you'd want to stay?

One of these days you will realize that you are all I think about.... Please get out of my head...