A poem to share :)

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

                                                                                          -Mary Elizabeth Frye

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Here's a letter...

Dear Love,
I'm writing this letter because I feel it's that time again for me to tell you how I feel... I don't know why I can't do this in an everyday setting but I can't.  This is the best way for me to tell you how I feel and it's something that I feel you need to know.  Not only for my sanity but for our friendship.

As you probably know, I still really like you a lot.  I've tried hiding it and have probably done a really horrible job of hiding it, but that's not something that we hide easily... I've tried telling myself that nothing will ever happen between us but me being a girl can't help but have a little hope that one day you'll change your mind.  A couple weeks ago, when I went downtown to pick up you, Mindy, Ryan, and Kristen, you kissed me.  I don't know if you remember because you were pretty intoxicated but it happened... More than once... And at the time I didn't know what to think because it was a shock... and I still don't know what it was other than I'm hoping it was just drunken behavior... I would like to think that it's more, but it's probably not... Sometimes I really would like to know what you were thinking instead of trying to figure it out because you're such a secretive person... but that is who you are and I respect that completely.

While all this is true, there is something else that's true.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of hoping one day soon, you'll see that I can be that cupcake girl.  Granted, I'm not a size two or blonde.  but I can care for you and treat you the way you should be treated and not take advantage of you.  As this probably won't happen for a very long time or ever, I need to move on and see you as just my best friend.  I've met someone who I think I can really care for a lot, but in order for me to do that I had to tell you how I felt.  I do love you a lot as a friend and really like you a lot as more than a friend, but I have to move on. You still are my best friend and someone who I can go to when I can't go to anyone else and I hope you don't think I'm crazy for writing this (even though you probably will ;) ) but it's just something I had to do.

I love you,
Lacy.

A letter to you.

Dear Anonymous,


I'm writing this because I feel that there are some things that I need to get off of my chest and I don't know how else to do besides write them down.  I need to tell you how I feel and I know that you're probably thinking "Oh, here we go again!" but the thing is you told me that I could come to you about this kind of stuff without any hesitation so here I go.


I love you as a person, as a best friend, and as someone I can bullshit around with.  But I'm tired.  I'm tired of fighting.  I want to feel needed and I want to feel cared for and I don't feel that way around you.  I feel as thought I'm just another one of the guys and maybe that's my fault.  Maybe I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me but guess what I'm a girl and my emotions tend to do that. I want to know that our friendship isn't just another one of your acts.  I feel like you lie to me all of the time and that's not how friends are to each other.  Maybe that's how your friends have been to you but I have never given you a reason to lie to me and I don't lie to you.  Do I feel like you lie to me 95 percent of the time? Yes.  Do I lie to myself and tell myself that you're telling the truth? Yes.  Why? Because I have to.  I have to in order to keep moving on.  You're not the only one that can put on a front.  I've been doing it for most of my life and quite honestly I don't know the difference anymore.


Where am I going with this?  This is where.  I'm not giving up but I'm backing down.  If you want to talk to me about something then tell me.  I'm not going to dig it out of you.  I will always be here and I still want to be your friend.  I am so glad that you are in my life.  You have given me some really great advice and I don't want that to end anytime soon. I hope that you don't misinterpret this as me saying I don't want you around anymore because that's not it.  I'm just saying unless I see something different I'm going to less available I guess.  I don't know.  I'm just trying to protect myself here and look out for Lacy for once.  Selfish?  Yes.  But I think it's about time I am a little.   I always care about what other people feel and what other people think and I am always putting myself on the back burner and for once I want someone to put me first.


I hope you can understand all of this and know that I am always going to be here for you.


Loves,


Me

Another sleepless night...

Recently I have found out that I sleep better when I'm laying next to someone.  I find this very odd because all of my life I have slept by myself, I have never had anyone to lay beside me because I was always the good girl that never went against her parents (in my case grandparents) and they never allowed me to have my boyfriend stay the night fearing that we would do the "naughty".  Now I lay by myself and I cannot sleep until about four or five in the morning and this is very frustrating for me because I don't know why this is happening.  And then when I do fall asleep it is a very restless sleep and I still wake up exhausted in the morning.  


I'm going to blame this on Kassi.  When I was living with her, we would sleep in the same bed or I would sleep on the couch and Toppy would come lay with me.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night.  Now that I'm not living with her, I sleep by myself and there isn't a Toppy around to cuddle with at night.  I do have my mini Pillowpet but he is tiny and isn't warm.  I want the comfort of a human being or a pet that will be loyal no matter what.   I miss living with Kassi a lot.  We went through a lot together and still are going through a lot together and I am so glad that we were able to become the best friends that we have become.  She is quite possibly the only reason that I have made it through this past year.  She's told me when I'm being way too crazy and has been there to hold me when I feel like I have nobody.  I am so grateful for the friendship she has given me and I know that this friendship is going anywhere.  It's one that we are going to have for life.  


Wow! This post is going somewhere where I didn't mean for it.  Oh well, some things just need to be written.  


I need to figure out how to catch some Zzz's and the first step is turning off my computer and attempting to sleep but with a brown kid snoring that could be difficult... I'll let you know how it goes. 


With love,
Lacy

Just a poem

If I had an inch I'd give you a mile
If you were a frown I'd give you a thousand smiles
I'd give you the world if you asked
But all I want you to have is my heart

I'll write you a song if that's what you want
Then tear it all up if you don't
I'll show you my mind and give you my heart
Just promise you won't rip it apart

I want to know how you are
I want to know your heart and soul
Your voice is a work of art
I wish you could be mine to hold

I never could move on from your eyes
They'd haunt me wherever I go
Quitting isn't always so bad
When giving up on the impossible

Honestly I'd be crazy not to love you
Although the effect seems the same either way
I have dreams of spending forever with you
I wonder if you'd want to stay?

One of these days you will realize that you are all I think about.... Please get out of my head...

I'm sorry :(

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused everyone... I'm sorry that I walked into your life and caused you to look out for me...
I thank you for being there for me no matter what.. You have been the best friend a girl could ask for... You have been there for me when nobody was there for me... but I am not good for you... June will probably be the best thing that has ever come to you because you will be rid of me... It's what is best for you, me, and us... The past 6(ish) months has been the best 6 months of my life.. I thank you for that! Remember that I do love you and that I will always be here for you and you will always be the Piderman to my Baman...
Right now, I am about to cry and there are a ton of people around... I have so much more to tell you but I don't know how...

I love you <3

Baman

blah!

Ever have those days where you just want to curl up with your blankie and a sad movie and forget about the world?  That day is today... I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone.. I just want to be with my blankie, a sad movie, maybe some tea and forget about the world... Just for today please? I want to forget all the hustle and bustle of the outside... I want to forget that there is such a thing as good and evil... I just want to be by myself... Maybe I'm asking too much especially since I have a roommate and a puppy that needs lots of attention.... Oh well, life will move on regardless of whether or not I get this time... so here's to me enjoying the quiet...

much love <3

I miss you....

I went from not seeing you at all to seeing you twice in one week where we had to have close contact.  

I miss your smile, I miss the nerdiness... I miss everything.. I really hope you know that you did mean everything to me.... I am always going to be here if you need me, you will always have a place in my heart.... And I'll never forget the times we had... 

Letting go....

This is my saying good-bye and letting go.  I will no longer worry about things that I cannot control.  I will quit worrying about whether or not you're depressed... I will no longer be at your beckoning call.  I will no longer be there......

Good bye <3

I'll never understand...

I'll never understand how we can allow ourselves to hurt, or how we can let people in that we know are going to hurt us.  I'll never understand why as humans we need to love and be loved.  I'll never understand how you can call someone your "best friend" and then turn around and stab them in the back or how you can make yourself the victim in every situation.  I'll never understand how we can give advice but never take our own or how no matter how long its been since your first love, it always hurts knowing that they got away.  I'll never understand that the pain that is caused in your life helps shape the person you become.  I'll never understand how we always think about the one person that "got away" and never think about what's right in front of us.  I'll never understand how you and another person can have mutual feelings for each other but not let them happen because of outside factors or how no strings attached becomes much more than you ever imagined it to be.

One day I want to know what it's like to be loved again.  I want to have that feeling of knowing that someone is thinking about you at some point in the day and wondering what you're doing.  I just miss the feelings of being with someone who truly loves you back.  I have no idea of whether or not I'm going to get it again but I can only hope that one day someone will love me again.  And I can't help but reminisce on what used to be. I miss it so much it hurts.

These are the things that I will never understand and maybe I'm not supposed to but right now I really need answers and I'm not getting any.  Oh well, I guess life will move on.. With or without me, so I have to make the best of it....

It's almost 5 in the morning so I must go to bed and get some rest... and I'm done rambling...

Loves <3

Fun facts about Lacy :D

1. My middle name is Nicole. 
2. I'm a November baby :) 
3. I have a tattoo
4. I live with my best friend
5. I plan to own a Ferrari and a Ford F-350
6. I am part red neck.
7. My dad is full blooded Native American. 
8. All together, I'm native american, irish, german, chinese (just a little itty bit), and a mixture of a million other things. 
9. I do love to drink alcohol but am not an alcoholic. 
10. I am deathly afraid of needles and bees. 
11. I'm claustrophobic 
12. I have a slight case of obsessive compulsive disorder. 
13. Being alone terrifies me. 
14. I love my boys. 
15. I want a chocolate lab.
16. I've been protecting and taking care of my sisters since I was seven. 
17. I've seen my mom be beaten. 
18. I've seen my mom beat. 
19. I'm terrified of becoming an alcoholic. 
20. Disappointing my loved ones is one my worst fears. 

There are many, many other things but these are just some of the ones I can name.  In my next post there are a ton of things that I have to catch you up on but for now, I'm really sleepy and am going to go to bed.

Hasta luego :D

In the end...

Well first off, the whole trying to separate myself from this person is failing... epically.... So plan B, try and not be so attached... We'll see where this takes us..

Today's rant is basically about how I wonder if in the end the drama and bullshit will be gone... I'm so tired of bullshit drama always getting caught up in my life... 95% of the time I have nothing to do with the situation, it's because I know someone who knows someone.  It's bogus and it only hurts people.  I don't get how people can say something when they know that it's going to hurt the person in the end.  Maybe I care too much about what other's think and feel but to me it seems pointless to say something about someone when you're intentionally setting out to hurt them. (that was a really messed up sentence) I have always worried about what I say around other's just because I don't want to hurt them.  I have always been on that keeps things bottled up inside just so I don't hurt others.  Many look at this as a bad thing but if I have to hurt myself in order to not hurt someone I'm going to do it.

So that's my rant for the night and I'll leave you with this beautiful picture :)

Good night all <3

It's time...

So I've decided in order to not hurt myself anymore, it's time that I break away from some people.  I'm not saying that I'm going to completely annihilate them from life, I'm just saying that I'm going to make myself a little less available and a little less willing to keep conversations going, etc.  I just need to become less attached.  This person is living their own life and I think that I need to be a little less involved in it.  I have no control over this person's actions, who they talk to, or what they say.  I need to understand that.  I think they need to understand that no matter what I'll be there, just not so readily available to help them through their problems.  I need to learn to say "Eh" when it comes to people coming to me with their problems.  If this makes me a bitch then so be it. I'm tired of putting all my heart in soul in someone and them not giving a shit about me.  I'm tired of being the one that EVERYONE comes to and me not having anyone to go to.  I have always been everyone's everything and I'm tired.  The mental exhaustion that comes along with this responsibility is unreal.  One day I hope that my loved ones will realize what I meant to them.

Loves to all....

Why?

Why is it when we break up with a significant other, we feel the need to treat them like the dirt under our shoes?!  Recently I've had to deal with a friend going through a traumatic event and it hurt my close friends dearly, but this friend would not have done what she did if it wasn't for the fact that her ex kept trying to contact her and kept pushing and smothering her and she didn't know how to get out of it... I don't get how or why we do that to others... It really boggles my mind.  Are we really that emotionally withdrawn as a species that we have to make our "ex" significant others feel completely horrible in order to make ourselves feel better?!

Also, I'm helping a friend with his recent break up with his fiancée and she feels that it's necessary to go out and sleep with everyone she can, just because she thinks it will get to him... Sad thing is, is that it is getting to him because he has a very kind heart and feels that if he ignores her hes the one being a dick, when in fact he's just protecting himself.  I don't know, I know that is what I had to do when I broke up with my ex that I had been with for 2 years and out of nowhere he just breaks up with me... but that's a story for another day.. My point is, if you have recently broken up with someone and it was a very harsh break-up, quit talking to them.. By continuing to talk to them, you are just opening the wound up again and again... It's going to be hard but that's something you have to do for you.. and if you think that it's going to hurt them if you don't talk to them, think about the pain that they have caused you.

Basically, I'm going to end my rant here because it's going off in a completely different direction than I had planned...

Loves <3

The only song I can't get out of my head...

So here it goes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud4HuAzHEUc

Suffering....

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.” -Paulo Coelho

What If?

Sometimes I sit and wonder "What if?".  Lately it's been about the choices that I've made in my life in regards to guys.  Right now, I'm stuck in a tough spot where I'm in love with one of my best friends but he feels as though he can't cross that line and become more than just friends.  Well, this is what has been told to me.  What I don't understand is if he feels the same why can't we act on it?  I've made this same mistake once before in my life and I ended up losing one of my best friends because we let others get in the way of our friendship.  I want to be able to tell this guy how much I do like him and how much I care for him but I don't know how.  It's really hard for me to let others in and I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made before.  Hopefully one day we realize what we mean to each other and things will be right.